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Step One
"We admitted we were
powerless over alcohol, and that our
lives had become unmanageable" The
purpose of a First Step is to look
closely at our lives to see how we
have been changed and controlled by
our use of chemicals. For those of us
with the disease of chemical
dependency, bad things happen to us
because of using alcohol or other
drugs, but we can't control our use,
no matter how much we want to. We keep
using chemicals and keep having
problems until we admit we have no
control and begin to seek help. When
we fully describe our disease, we
begin to separate our real selves from
the false identity of our addiction. Your
First Step assignment is to write an
autobiography that includes your
answers to all the following
questions, on your own notebook paper.
Relate the results of your using to
the specific chemical's) used, amount
used, and the feelings you had. Use
the Feelings
Word List to help you find the
right words to describe how you felt.
Links to this list are scattered
throughout the questions, and you may
want to save that list, and the
Defense Mechanisms.
YOUR CHILDHOOD
1. Begin your First Step by describing
your family and early childhood. Were
you abused or neglected. Write about
the chemical use in your family.
2. Were you slapped, hit, beaten, put
down, called names, molested, or in
any other way abused?
3. Did your needs get met, or were you
left out, left behind, or ignored?
4. Mention any problems you had with
divorce, deaths, other losses, guilt,
shame, anger, or sex.
5. Did your family spend good, caring
times together?
6. Were you ever hugged or kissed?
7. How did they handle arguments?
8. Who were you closest to,
emotionally?
9. Who punished you, and what was it
like?
10. What were your early school years
like? Were you shy, a clown, or a
bully?
11. Did your family show an interest
in your abilities in school or sports?
YOUR DRUGS
12. How old were you when you first
used or drank? Tell that story, and
how you felt.
13. How did your use of chemicals
change in the early and middle stages
of your disease?
14. Describe what drugs you used, how
often you used, and the amounts you
used.
15. What have been your favorite
drugs?
16. What is your drug of choice now?
Describe the pattern of your using in
the last year or two, stating how
often, how much of each chemical used.
17. Compare the amount of each
chemical it first took to get you high
to how much it takes to get you high
now.
18. When you used chemicals, did you
chase the high? Did you use quickly to
feel the drug's effects? Write about a
certain time when you did this.
19. Have you ever drank or used drugs
before going to a party to get a head
start? When?
20. Have you used alone? How did it feel?
Describe when and where you did this.
21. Have you kept a secret stash of
drugs or hidden bottles? More than
one? Describe.
22. Have you used leftover drugs from
pipes, rigs, or roaches? Give
examples.
23. What times of the day did you
usually use chemicals? Did you drink
in the morning?
24. Did you plan or daydream about
your alcohol or other drug use?
25. Tell the story of your last using
or drinking before coming to
treatment, the drugs and the amounts,
the thoughts and feelings
you had at the time, and why you
decided to come to a 12-Step program
or treatment. Who or what was creating
the pressure on you to seek help?
ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL
26. Write how you tried to control and
set rules for your chemical use.
27. List examples of replacing your
favorite chemical with a different
drug.
28. List examples of trying to control
by changing towns, changing jobs, or
changing friends.
29. How many times have you tried to
quit?
30. What happened each time you tried
to control or quit your chemical use?
Did it work? For how long? How did it feel
when you began to use again?
EFFECTS ON OUR
BEHAVIOR
31. Did you have difficulty with anger
while high? Give examples.
32. List examples of the times you
have lost control of your behavior
while using (didn't go home on time,
started acting crazy, spent too much,
etc.)
33. If you have had blackouts (loss of
memory for a period of time), what
kinds of things would you do in your
blackouts? How often did you have
blackouts, how long would they last?
34. Have you felt that people were
watching you, chasing you, or
something bad was about to happen?
When?
35. Have you hurt yourself by bumping
into things, falling down, or getting
into fights while you were high? Write
about those times.
36. Give examples of things you have
done while high that put your life or
health in danger, such as driving,
boating, snowmobile, cooking,
operating machinery, hunting, skiing,
or playing sports.
37. Have you done things you could
have been arrested for but you weren't
caught? List them.
38. Do you ever do these things
(questions 31-37) while sober?
39. Did you make, deliver, or buy and
sell drugs or moonshine?
40. Have you ever been arrested? Why?
Describe your first arrest and how it felt
to be in handcuffs, in the patrol car,
photographed and fingerprinted.
41. List all of your arrests and
sentences with a list of the chemicals
you were using at the time.
42. What was it like to spend time in
jail or prison, or on parole or
probation? Did you drink or use in
spite of the penalties, or as soon as
you were released?
EFFECTS ON OUR
BODIES
43. How many times have you passed out
from using chemicals?
44. Have you vomited after using or
drinking too much, or felt like
throwing up? When?
45. Have you ever had a bad trip on
LSD, MDA, PCP, mushrooms? What
happened?
46. Have you neglected your sleep,
eating or exercise? Did you overeat?
Describe.
47. Have you had an illness that was
affected by your chemical use? What
did your doctor say?
48. Do you have a disease, ulcer,
damaged liver, change in weight, poor
teeth, bloody nose, muscle pains, or
major injury caused by your chemical
use? Explain.
49. Has your memory become worse since
you started using? Describe.
50. Do you have trouble remembering
what you just read?
51. Has your using affected your
judgment, how well you have solved
problems, or how well you have been
able to keep your mind on your work?
Give examples.
52. Describe how you feel when you
don't have your drugs or alcohol any
longer, and you withdraw (shakes,
seizures, sweats, hangover,
depression, irritability, mood swings,
cotton-mouth, aches & pains, can't
eat, can't sleep, etc., etc., etc.!).
53. Mixing alcohol and other drugs is
very hard on our bodies. Did you do
this? Did you ever have, or come close
to having, an overdose experience on
combined drugs?
54. Did your heart ever skip beats, or
race? When?
55. Have you gone to an emergency room
or been in a coma as a result of
using? Describe.
EFFECTS ON SOCIAL
LIFE
56. What friends have you dropped or
drifted away from because they don't
use chemicals the way you do? How did
it feel
to lose them?
57. What friends may have dropped you
as your use grew heavier and your
behavior changed?
58. Other friends may have stood by
you even though you hurt them by your
using behavior. Have you made a play
for others' lovers or spouses? Have
you stolen from, or lied to, friends?
Have you embarrassed them? List
examples.
59. Have you done things you wouldn't
have done if you were sober? List
them.
60. Using friends, dealers, and drug
manufacturers sometimes threaten us,
beat us, steal from us, or ruin our
personal property. If this has
happened to you, or if you did it to
others, describe it.
61. List names or terms people have
called you while you have been using.
62. How do you feel
when others talk to you about your
drinking or drug use?
63. Give examples of how you would
avoid talking about your using, from
the attached list of Defense
Strategies.
64. Describe the old you that existed
before drugs and the loss of your
self-respect.
65. Did your values about sexual
behavior change while you were high?
Did you seduce others?
66. Did they seduce you? Did you have
or cause any unwanted pregnancies, or
abortions?
67. Did heavy use make it difficult
for you or your partner to enjoy sex?
Describe.
68. Did you get any
sexually-transmitted diseases?
Explain.
69. Did you use sex to get drugs?
When?
70. Did you use alcohol or drugs to
make sex more exciting?
71. List any other ways your sex life
was affected by your chemical use.
72. Have you ever felt bad about your
sexual behavior while using? Give
examples.
EFFECTS ON FINANCES
73. Spend some time estimating how
much money you have spent on alcohol
and other drugs. Take the cost of your
average daily or weekly use for each
drug, and multiply it by the number of
days, weeks, and years that you used
that drug. After you have done this
for each drug, add those costs
together. If necessary estimate what
your "freebies" and trades
were worth, and add them in. Use a
calculator or ask for help if you need
it.
EXAMPLE: An eighth-ounce of pot
might cost $40 and be consumed in two
days.
In one month I would use about 15
bags,
Using half a bag a day. 15 x $40 =
$600 per month; 12 months x $600 = .
$7,200
So 5 years of pot-smoking at that rate
x $7200. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . .= $36,000
plus 10 years of smoking at half that
rate x $3600. . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . = $36,000
plus 5 years of smoking socially x
$900 per year. . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . = . $4,500
Equals a grand total for pot smoking
of: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . = $76,500
74. Add the cost of traffic
tickets, lawyers, wrecked cars,
medical bills and higher insurance
costs.
75. Add the money spent on gambling,
impulse buying, extra restaurant
meals, extra gas.
76. How often did you miss work due to
hangovers, binges, or arguments due to
using/drinking? What did that cost
you?
77. How many jobs have you lost? How
much time have you spent unemployed?
Estimate what you could have been
earning if you had been sober for that
period of time, and count that as
another loss.
78. Figure in the money lost due to
lower pay because you'd rather use
than get a better job.
79. Add the money that other people
have spent in an effort to help you.
80. What is the total amount of money
that your chemical use has cost? How
does it feel
to look at that amount of money lost?
How would you use that money if you
had it today?
EFFECTS ON FAMILY
LIFE
81. Who has left you or asked you to
leave home because of problems caused
by your drinking or drug use?
82. Did anyone in your family tell you
to slow down, quit, or go to
treatment? What did they say?
83. Which family members have stopped
caring about you as much as they used
to?
84. List some ways your drug or
alcohol use may have hurt your family
members.
85. What have you done to others
because of your chemical use that you
wouldn't have done to yourself?
EFFECTS ON
SPIRITUAL LIFE
86. How have you become more selfish
and less caring as a result of your
chemical use?
87. What problems have you tried to
"fix" with drugs?
88. Did you trust your drugs more than
other people?
89. Did you blame your habit on rotten
people, bad government, or on a world
going to hell?
90. How has your using behaviors gone
against your morals and values?
91. How have you stopped believing in
what you had faith in? Who or what did
you believe in before you started
using?
92. Have you stopped calling close
friends or stopped having fun?
93. Have you felt lost, damned, or
cursed?
EFFECTS ON
EMOTIONAL LIFE
94. As you have answered these
questions, you have probably had
strong feelings. Try to name the feelings.
Is it hard for you to cry? to admit
fear? to ask for a hug? to feel happy?
95. Did you use self-pity, resentment,
or fear as justification to drink or
use? Give examples.
96. Have you been depressed? When?
95. Talk about the loneliness you have
felt, your sadness, your guilt.
97. List times you have felt like you
wanted to die, or actually attempted
suicide.
98. Are you being the person you want
to be?
99. Would your life be better if you
didn't use alcohol or other drugs?
100. Has your addiction or alcoholism
defeated you? How do you feel right
now?
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