How to Help an Alcoholic
|
What
Can We Do?
|
One of the most frequent
questions I am asked is "What can
I do to help my alcoholic wife,
husband or friend?" The right answers to that
question are of tremendous importance
to anyone who wants to help a friend,
a neighbor, or a relative who has a
drinking problem.
What's the difference
between and Alcoholic and a Problem
Drinker? - A Problem Drinker is an
Alcoholic I care about - old saying in AA
The advice on this page comes
from a variety of sources as well as
our own personal experience in dealing
with drinking alcoholics.
First: Know
The Facts
The very first step in
attacking any problem is to find out
all you can about it. Information and
helpful literature is available from
many sources, such as Alcoholics
Anonymous, Mental Health
Associations, and the National
Council on Alcoholism and Drug
Dependence or Alcohol Concern.
Your own GP will certainly be able to
offer you advice and let you know what
local help and facilities are
available although don't be surprised
is he is not able to discuss the
particular patient. He will respect
their privacy as he would respect
yours. In all probability your local
clergyman has special knowledge of
alcoholism and its related problems
and will be glad to give you the
benefit of his/her counsel.
If you are seriously
interested in being of help, it will
be very useful for you to attend a
meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. There
are probably several groups of this
organization in your local area, or
nearby; if you have a legitimate
interest in an alcoholic problem you
will be most welcome to attend regular
"open" meetings. For
information about time and place of
such meetings ring the number in your
local telephone directory. There are
some excellent books on the subject
available from your local library.
"Alcoholics Anonymous", the
AA Big Book written by the Founders of
AA, and "Getting Better Inside
Alcoholics Anonymous" by Nan
Robertson are both essential reading.
Join Al-Anon
Al-Anon offers understanding and
support for families and friends of
problem drinkers, whether the
alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Alateen, a part of Al-Anon, is for
young people aged 12-20 who have been
affected by someone else's drinking,
usually that of a parent. The parents,
children, wives, husbands, friends and
colleagues of alcoholics could all be
helped by Al-Anon and Alateen whether
or not the drinker in their lives
recognizes that a problem exists. At
Al-Anon group meetings members receive
comfort and understanding and learn to
cope with their problems through the
exchange of experience, strength and
hope. The sharing of problems binds
individuals and groups together in a
bond that is protected by a policy of
anonymity; everything is confidential.
Members learn that there are things
they can do to help themselves and
indirectly to help the problem
drinker. Changed attitudes, which come
from greater understanding of the
illness, may result in the drinker
seeking help. Al-Anon is
self-supporting through members'
voluntary contributions and the sale
of its literature. The groups are
non-professional and have no religious
or other affiliations and no opinions
on outside issues.Medical
Science Says Alcoholism Is A Disease
Before you can hope to be of
much assistance to any sufferer from
alcoholism, you must realize
that alcoholism is a disease.
The American Medical Association says
that it is, and has set up a
sub-committee to deal with it. You
must reach the point where you
actually see your alcoholic
friend or relative as a sick person.
He is, in fact, as sick - or sicker -
than if he suffered from cancer or
diabetes. You must wholeheartedly
accept this concept if you are to be
of help. Their drinking habits and
irrational conduct are but symptoms
of this disease. You must know this,
and see them objectively, or you will
be unable to be of use.
What Not To Do
Never treat the sufferer from
alcoholism as though he or she was a naughty
child. You may think that they act
that way, but overlook it, and never
mention it. Don't check up to see how
much they drink. If you discover a
carefully hidden supply of drink, leave
it alone. It will not help
to take away the supply, or pour it
down the sink. Such common mistakes
in judgment provide the alcoholic with
the best possible excuse to go on a
real binge. Never attempt to discuss
the drinking problem with an alcoholic
unless he wants to talk about
it, and never while he is
drinking in any case. It stirs up
antagonism, which calls for further
drinking.
Your Attitude
Is Important
Usually the best time to
approach the subject is during a
remorseful hangover period. Be
casually sympathetic. No recrimination
- no criticism - no condemnation.
Never argue. Let her talk, and
if he says he must do something
about her drinking, tell him you
know what can be done. Don't,
however, mention any specific thing
unless he asks. Have some
literature handy, but don't press it
on him. Better to just leave it around
where he is likely to pick it up.
Perhaps It
Will Take A Crisis
Go slow and be guided by
their reactions. It has taken a long
time to get into this condition, and
it isn't going to go away in a day or
two. Remember that nothing can be done
for your alcoholic until he/she wants
it for him/herself - not for
someone else, (wife/husband, employer,
etc.) You may have to wait until they
have been really hurt - had an
accident, lost a job, been arrested,
or until some other crisis
makes him realize that she can't stop
without help, and that he's got
to stop.
You Must Be Patient
Take the long range view.
What you may think is a kindness at
the moment, may not be ultimately
helpful. You must not assume
responsibility for either her acts
or his debts. One of the things
necessary to his recovery is that he
learn to stand on her own feet.
You may hate to see him get into
further trouble, be arrested, or have
his wife leave him. Do not enable
the person to carry on in this way by
your acts of kindness and covering up
for them. One of these things may be
what will ultimately cause him to look
for help. School yourself to be
patient. She may disappoint you a
dozen times. If you really want to
help, you must be able to take these
things in your stride. Remember always
that the real person is still
there, underneath the alcoholic
veneer. This is difficult and usually
referred to as tough love.
The Alcoholic
Hates Himself
Much of the time it is
probable that your friend's way of
reasoning won't make any sense to you.
He will lie to you constantly:
Alcoholics are the world's best liars.
Denial is one of the symptoms of the illness.
Most alcoholics are full of
unreasoning resentments, fears,
jealousies, and self-pity. these
things are part of her disorder, to be
recognized - but disregarded.
Try to realize that he hates himself
worse than anyone else could possibly
hate him. Be kind - without
babying; sympathetic - but not
maudlin. You can understand her acts
without condoning them.
It Pays Off
If you have been properly
understanding as a result of what you
have learned about this problem, the
chances are that your friend or
relative will turn to you when
he decides to do something
about his trouble. Try to be ready
with all the available information on
the tip of your tongue. He may be
willing to try Alcoholics Anonymous,
there is always a local phone number
in your telephone directory, or he may
be extremely ill physically,
and require medical help. Any
alcoholic will make a better and
quicker recovery, if there is an
intelligent, informed friend standing
by.
Am I An
Alcoholic?
When someone asks the
inevitable question, Have these
questions ready to be answered by them
as honestly as possible..
If you have answered YES to
any one of the questions, there is a
definite warning that
you may be an
alcoholic
.If you have answered YES to
any two, the chances are that
you are an
alcoholic
.If you have answered YES to
three or more,
you are
definitely an alcoholic
(These questions were
provided by Dr. Robert V. Seliger for
use at John Hopkins University
Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding
whether a patient is alcoholic.)
The advice on this page comes
from a variety of sources as well as
our personal experience in dealing
with drinking alcoholics.
| This is an excerpt from
Chapter 8 of the Big Book
"Alcoholics Anonymous"
published in 1939. |
How
can I help a problem drinker
|
The Chapter is Titled -
"To Wives" but equally
applies to friends and families
For
every man who drinks others are
involved -- the wife who trembles in
fear of the next debauch; the mother
and father who see their son wasting
away.
Among us are
wives, relatives and friends whose
problem has been solved, as well as
some who have not yet found a happy
solution. We want the wives of
Alcoholics Anonymous to address the
wives of men who drink too much. What
they say will apply to nearly everyone
bound by ties of blood or affection to
an alcoholic.
As wives of
Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like
you to feel that we understand as
perhaps few can. We want to analyze
mistakes we have made. We want to
leave you with the feeling that no
situation is too difficult and no
unhappiness too great to be overcome.
We have
traveled a rocky road, there is no
mistake about that. We have had long
rendezvous with hurt pride,
frustration, self-pity,
misunderstanding and fear. These are
not pleasant companions. We have been
driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter
resentment. Some of us veered from
extreme to extreme, ever hoping that
one day our loved ones would be
themselves once more.
Our loyalty
and the desire that our husbands hold
up their heads and be like other men
have begotten all sorts of
predicaments. We have been unselfish
and self-sacrificing. We have told
innumerable lies to protect our pride
and our husbands' reputations. We have
prayed, we have begged, we have been
patient. We have struck out viciously.
We have run away. We have been
hysterical. We have been terror
stricken. We have sought sympathy. We
have had retaliatory love affairs with
other men.
Our homes
have been battle-grounds many an
evening. In the morning we have kissed
and made up. Our friends have
counseled chucking the men and we have
done so with finality, only to be back
in a little while hoping, always
hoping. Our men have sworn great
solemn oaths that they were through
drinking forever. We have believed
them when no one else could or would.
Then, in days, weeks, or months, a
fresh outburst.
We seldom had
friends at our homes, never knowing
how or when the men of the house would
appear. We could make few social
engagements. We came to live almost
alone. When we were invited out, our
husbands sneaked so many drinks that
they spoiled the occasion. If, on the
other hand, they took nothing, their
self-pity made them killjoys.
There was
never financial security. Positions
were always in jeopardy or gone. An
armored car could not have brought the
pay envelopes home. The checking
account melted like snow in June.
Sometimes
there were other women. How
heartbreaking was this discovery; how
cruel to be told they understood our
men as we did not!
The bill
collectors, the sheriffs, the angry
taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums,
the pals, and even the ladies they
sometimes brought home - our husbands
thought we were so inhospitable.
"Joy killer, nag, wet
blanket" - that's what they said.
Next day they would be themselves
again and we would forgive and try to
forget.
We have tried
to hold the love of our children for
their father. We have told small tots
that father was sick, which was much
nearer the truth than we realized.
They struck the children, kicked out
door panels, smashed treasured
crockery, and ripped the keys out of
pianos. In the midst of such
pandemonium they may have rushed out
threatening to live with the other
woman forever. In desperation, we have
even got tight ourselves - the drunk
to end all drunks. The unexpected
result was that our husbands seemed to
like it.
Perhaps at
this point we got a divorce and took
the children home to father and
mother. Then we were severely
criticized by our husband's parents
for desertion. Usually we did not
leave. We stayed on and on. We finally
sought employment ourselves as
destitution faced us and our families.
We began to
ask medical advice as the sprees got
closer together. The alarming physical
and mental symptoms, the deepening
pall of remorse, depression and
inferiority that settled down on our
loved ones - these things terrified
and distracted us. As animals on a
treadmill, we have patiently and
wearily climbed, falling back in
exhaustion after each futile effort to
reach solid ground. Most of us have
entered the final stage with its
commitment to health resorts,
sanitariums, hospitals, and fails.
Sometimes there were screaming
delirium and insanity. Death was often
near.
Under these
conditions we naturally make mistakes.
Some of them rose out of ignorance of
alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly
that we were dealing with sick men.
Had we fully understood the nature of
the alcoholic illness, we might have
behaved differently. How could men who
loved their wives and children be so
unthinking, so callous, so cruel?
There could be no love in such
persons, we thought. And just as we
were being convinced of their
heartlessness, they would surprise us
with fresh resolves and new
attentions. For a while they would be
their old sweet selves, only to dash
the new structure of affection to
pieces once more. Asked why they
commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none.
It was so baffling, so heartbreaking.
Could we have been so mistaken in the
men we married? When drinking, they
were strangers. Sometimes they were so
inaccessible that it seemed as though
a great wall had been built around
them.
And even if
they did not love their families, how
could they be so blind about
themselves? What had become of their
judgment, their common sense, their
will power? Why could they not see
that drink meant ruin to them? Why was
it, when these dangers were pointed
out that they agreed, and then got
drunk again immediately?
These are
some of the questions which race
through the mind of every woman who
has an alcoholic husband. We hope this
book has answered some of them.
Perhaps your husband has been living
in that strange world of alcoholism
where everything is distorted and
exaggerated. You can see that he
really does love with his better self.
Of course, there is such a thing as
incompatibility, but in nearly every
instance the alcoholic only seems to
be unloving and inconsiderate; it is
usually because he is warped and
sickened that he says and does these
appalling things. Today most of our
men are better husbands and fathers
than ever before.
Try not to
condemn your alcoholic husband no
matter what he says or does. He is
just another very sick, unreasonable
person. Treat him, when you can, as
though he had pneumonia. When he
angers you, remember that he is very
ill.
There is an
important exception to the foregoing.
We realize some men are thoroughly
bad-intentioned, that no amount of
patience will make any difference. An
alcoholic of this temperament may be
quick to use this chapter as a club
over your head. Don't let him get away
with it. If you are positive he is one
of this type you may feel you had
better leave him. Is it right to let
him ruin your life and the lives of
your children? Especially when he has
before him a way to stop his drinking
and abuse if he really wants to pay
the price.
The problem
with which you struggle usually falls
within one of four categories:
Your
husband may be only a heavy drinker.
His drinking may be constant or it
may be heavy only on certain
occasions. Perhaps he spends too
much money for liquor. It may be
slowing him up mentally and
physically, but he does not see it.
Sometimes he is a source of
embarrassment to you and his
friends. He is positive he can
handle his liquor, that it does him
no harm, that drinking is necessary
in his business. He would probably
be insulted if he were called an
alcoholic. This world is full of
people like him. Some will moderate
or stop altogether, and some will
not. Of those who keep on, a good
number will become true alcoholics
after a while.
Your
husband is showing lack of control,
for he is unable to stay on the
water wagon even when he wants to.
He often gets entirely out of hand
when drinking. He admits this is
true, but is positive that he will
do better. He has begun to try, with
or without your cooperation, various
means of moderating or staying dry.
Maybe he is beginning to lose his
friends. His business may suffer
somewhat. He is worried at times,
and is becoming aware that he cannot
drink like other people. He
sometimes drinks in the morning and
through the day also, to hold his
nervousness in check. He is
remorseful after serious drinking
bouts and tells you he wants to
stop. But when he gets over the
spree, he begins to think once more
how he can drink moderately next
time. We think this person is in
danger. These are the earmarks of a
real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still
tend to business fairly well. He has
by no means ruined everything. As we
say among ourselves, "He wants
to want to stop."
This
husband has gone much further than
husband number two. Though once like
number two he became worse. His
friends have slipped away, his home
is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a
position. Maybe the doctor has been
called in, and the weary round of
sanitariums and hospitals has begun.
He admits he cannot drink like other
people, but does not see why. He
clings to the notion that he will
yet find a way to do so. He may have
come to the point where he
desperately wants to stop but
cannot. His case presents additional
questions which we shall try to
answer for you. You can be quite
hopeful of a situation like this.
You may
have a husband of whom you
completely despair. He has been
placed in one institution after
another. He is violent, or appears
definitely insane when drunk.
Sometimes he drinks on the way home
from the hospital. Perhaps he has
had delirium tremens. Doctors may
shake their heads and advise you to
have him committed. Maybe you have
already been obliged to put him
away. This picture may not be as
dark as it looks. Many of our
husbands were just as far gone. Yet
they got well.
Let's now go
back to number one. Oddly enough, he
is often difficult to deal with. He
enjoys drinking. It stirs his
imagination. His friends feel closer
over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy
drinking with him yourself when he
doesn't go too far. You have passed
happy evenings together chatting and
drinking before your fire. Perhaps you
both like parties which would be dull
without liquor. We have enjoyed such
evenings ourselves; we had a good
time. We know all about liquor as a
social lubricant. Some, but not all of
us, think it has its advantages when
reasonably used.
The first
principle of success is that you
should never be angry. Even though
your husband becomes unbearable and
you have to leave him temporarily, you
should, if you can, go without rancor.
Patience and good temper are most
necessary.
Our next
thought is that you should never tell
him what he must do about his
drinking. If he gets the idea that you
are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of
accomplishing anything useful may be
zero. He will use that as an excuse to
drink more. He will tell you he is
misunderstood. This may lead to lonely
evenings for you. He may seek someone
else to console him - not always
another man.
Be determined
that your husband's drinking is not
going to spoil your relations with
your children or your friends. They
need your companionship and your help.
It is possible to have a full and
useful life, though your husband
continues to drink. We know women who
are unafraid, even happy under these
conditions. Do not set your heart on
reforming your husband. You may be
unable to do so, no matter how hard
you try.
We know these
suggestions are sometimes difficult to
follow, but you will save many a
heartbreak if you can succeed in
observing them. Your husband may come
to appreciate your reasonableness and
patience. This may lay the groundwork
for a friendly talk about his
alcoholic problem. Try to have him
bring up the subject himself. Be sure
you are not critical during such a
discussion. Attempt instead, to put
yourself in his place. Let him see
that you want to be helpful rather
than critical.
When a
discussion does arise, you might
suggest he read this book or at least
the chapter on alcoholism. Tell him
you have been worried, though perhaps
needlessly. You think he ought to know
the subject better, as everyone should
have a clear understanding of the risk
he takes if he drinks too much. Show
him you have confidence in his power
to stop or moderate. Say you do not
want to be a wet blanket; that you
only want him to take care of his
health. Thus you may succeed in
interesting him in alcoholism.
He probably
has several alcoholics among his own
acquaintances. You might suggest that
you both take an interest in them.
Drinkers like to help other drinkers.
Your husband may be willing to talk to
one of them.
If this kind
of approach does not catch your
husband's interest, it may be best to
drop the subject, but after a friendly
talk your husband will usually revive
the topic himself. This may take
patient waiting, but it will be worth
it. Meanwhile you might try to help
the wife of another serious drinker.
If you act upon these principles, your
husband may stop or moderate. Suppose,
however, that your husband fits the
description of number two. The same
principles which apply to husband
number one should be practice. But
after his next binge, ask him if he
would really like to get over drinking
for good. Do not ask that he do it for
you or anyone else. Just would he like
to?
The chances
are he would. Show him your copy of
this book and tell him what you have
found out about alcoholism. Show him
that as alcoholics, the writers of the
book understand. Tell him some of the
interesting stories you have read. If
you think he will be shy of a
spiritual remedy, ask him to look at
the chapter on alcoholism. Then
perhaps he will be interested enough
to continue.
If he is
enthusiastic your cooperation will
mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm
or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we
suggest you leave him alone. Avoid
urging him to follow our program. The
seed has been planted in his mind. He
knows that thousands of men, much like
himself, have recovered. But don't
remind him of this after he has been
drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner
or later, you are likely to find him
reading the book once more. Wait until
repeated stumbling convinces him he
must act, for the more you hurry him
the longer his recovery may be
delayed.
If you have a
number three husband, you may be in
luck. Being certain he wants to stop,
you can go to him with this volume as
joyfully as though you had struck oil.
He may not share your enthusiasm, but
he is practically sure to read the
book and he may go for the program at
once. If he does not, you will
probably not have long to wait. Again,
you should not crowd him. Let him
decide for himself. Cheerfully see him
through more sprees. Talk about his
condition or this book only when he
raises the issue. In some cases it may
be better to let someone outside the
family urge action without arousing
hostility. If your husband is
otherwise a normal individual, your
chances are good at this stage.
You would
suppose that men in the fourth
classification would be quite
hopeless, but that is not so. Many of
Alcoholics Anonymous were like that.
Everybody had given them up. Defeat
seemed certain. Yet often such men had
spectacular and powerful recoveries.
There are
exceptions. Some men have been so
impaired by alcohol that they cannot
stop. Sometimes there are cases where
alcoholism is complicated by other
disorders. A good doctor or
psychiatrist can tell you whether
these complications are serious. In
any event, try to have your husband
read this book. His reaction may be
one of enthusiasm. If he is already
committed to an institution, but can
convince you and your doctor that he
means business, give him a chance to
try our method, unless the doctor
thinks his mental condition too
abnormal or dangerous. We make this
recommendation with some confidence.
For years we have been working with
alcoholics committed to institutions.
Since this book was first published,
A.A. has released thousands of
alcoholics from asylums and hospitals
of every kind. The majority have never
returned. The power of God goes deep!
You may have
the reverse situation on your hands.
Perhaps you have a husband who is at
large, but who should be committed.
Some men cannot or will not get over
alcoholism. When they become too
dangerous, we think the kind thing to
do is to lock them up, but of course a
good doctor should always be
consulted. The wives and children of
such men suffer horrible, but not more
than the men themselves.
But sometimes
you must start life anew. We know
women who have done it. If such women
adopt a spiritual way of life their
road will be smoother.
If your
husband is a drinker, you probably
worry over what other people are
thinking and you hate to meet your
friends. You draw more and more into
yourself and you think everyone is
talking about conditions at your home.
You avoid the subject of drinking,
even with your own parents. You do not
know what to tell your children. When
your husband is bad, you become a
trembling recluse, wishing the
telephone had never been invented.
We find that
most of this embarrassment is
unnecessary. While you need not
discuss your husband at length, you
can quietly let your friends know the
nature of his illness. But you must be
on guard not to embarrass or harm your
husband.
When you have
carefully explained to such people
that he is a sick person, you will
have created a new atmosphere.
Barriers which have sprung up between
you and your friends will disappear
with the growth of sympathetic
understanding. You will no longer be
self-conscious or feel that you must
apologize as though your husband were
a weak character. He may be anything
but that. Your new courage, good
nature and lack of self-consciousness
will do wonders for you socially.
The same
principle applies in dealing with the
children. Unless they actually need
protection from their father, it is
best not to take sides in any argument
he has with them while drinking. Use
your energies to promote a better
understanding all around. Then that
terrible tension which grips the home
of every problem drinker will be
lessened.
Frequently,
you have felt obliged to tell your
husband's employer and his friends
that he was sick, when as a matter of
fact he was tight. Avoid answering
these inquiries as much as you can.
Whenever possible, let your husband
explain. Your desire to protect him
should not cause you to lie to people
when they have a right to know where
he is and what he is doing. Discuss
this with him when he is sober and in
good spirits. Ask him what you should
do if he places you in such a position
again. But be careful not to be
resentful about the last time he did
so.
There is
another paralyzing fear. You may be
afraid your husband will lose his
position; you are thinking of the
disgrace and hard times which will
befall you and the children. This
experience may come to you. Or you may
already have had it several times.
Should it happen again, regard it in a
different light. Maybe it will prove a
blessing! It may convince your husband
he wants to stop drinking forever. And
now you know that he can stop if he
will! Time after time, this apparent
calamity has been a boon to us, for it
opened up a path which led to the
discovery of God.
We have
elsewhere remarked how much better
life is when lived on a spiritual
plane. If God can solve the age-old
riddle of alcoholism, He can solve
your problems too. We wives found
that, like everybody else, we were
afflicted with pride, self-pity,
vanity and all the things which go to
make up the self-centered person; and
we were not above selfishness or
dishonesty. As our husbands began to
apply spiritual principles in their
lives, we began to see the
desirability of doing so too.
At first,
some of us did not believe we needed
this help. We thought, on the whole,
we were pretty good women, capable of
being nicer if our husbands stopped
drinking. But it was a silly idea that
we were too good to need God. Now we
try to put spiritual principles to
work in every department of our lives.
When we do that, we find it solves our
problems too; the ensuing lack of
fear, worry and hurt feelings is a
wonderful thing. We urge you to try
our program, for nothing will be so
helpful to your husband as the
radically changed attitude toward him
which God will show you how to have.
Go along with you husband if you
possibly can.
If you and
your husband find a solution for the
pressing problem of drink you are, of
course, going to very happy. But all
problems will not be solved at once.
Seed has started to sprout in a new
soil, but growth has only begun. In
spite of your new- found happiness,
there will be ups and downs. Many of
the old problems will still be with
you. This is as it should be.
The faith and
sincerity of both you and your husband
will be put to the test. These
work-outs should be regarded as part
of your education, for thus you will
be learning to live. You will make
mistakes, but if you are in earnest
they will not drag you down. Instead,
you will capitalize them. A better way
of life will emerge when they are
overcome.
Some of the
snags you will encounter are
irritation, hurt feelings and
resentments. Your husband will
sometimes be unreasonable and you will
want to criticize. Starting from a
speck on the domestic horizon, great
thunderclouds of dispute may gather.
These family dissensions are very
dangerous, especially to your husband.
Often you must carry the burden of
avoiding them or keeping them under
control. Never forget that resentment
is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We
do not mean that you have to agree
with you husband whenever there is an
honest difference of opinion. Just be
careful not to disagree in a resentful
or critical spirit.
You and your
husband will find that you can dispose
of serious problems easier than you
can the trivial ones. Next time you
and he have a heated discussion, no
matter what the subject, it should be
the privilege of either to smile and
say, "This is getting serious.
I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's talk
about it later." If your husband
is trying to live on a spiritual
basis, he will also be doing
everything in his power to avoid
disagreement or contention.
Your husband
knows he owes you more than sobriety.
He wants to make good. Yet you must
not expect too much. His ways of
thinking and doing are the habits of
years. Patience, tolerance,
understanding and love are the
watchwords. Show him these things in
yourself and they will be reflected
back to you from him. Live and let
live is the rule. If you both show a
willingness to remedy your own
defects, there will be little need to
criticize each other.
We women
carry with us a picture of the ideal
man, the sort of chap we would like
our husbands to be. It is the most
natural thing in the world, once his
liquor problem is solved, to feel that
he will now measure up to that
cherished vision. The chances are he
will not for, like yourself, he is
just beginning his development. Be
patient.
Another
feeling we are very likely to
entertain is one of resentment that
love and loyalty could not cure our
husbands of alcoholism. We do not like
the thought that the contents of a
book or the work of another alcoholic
has accomplished in a few weeks that
for which we struggled for years. At
such moments we forget that alcoholism
is an illness over which we could not
possibly have had any power. Your
husband will be the first to say it
was your devotion and care which
brought him to the point where he
could have a spiritual experience.
Without you he would have gone to
pieces long ago. When resentful
thoughts come, try to pause and count
your blessings. After all, your family
is reunited, alcohol is no longer a
problem and you and your husband are
working together toward an
undreamed-of future.
Still another
difficulty is that you may become
jealous of the attention he bestows on
other people, especially alcoholics.
You have been starving for his
companionship, yet he spends long
hours helping other men and their
families. You feel he should now be
yours. It will do little good if you
point that out and urge more attention
for yourself. We find it a real
mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for
alcoholic work. You should join in his
efforts as much as you possibly can.
We suggest that you direct some of
your thought to the wives of his new
alcoholic friends. They need the
counsel and love of a woman who has
gone through what you have.
It is
probably true that you and your
husband have been living too much
alone, for drinking many times
isolates the wife of an alcoholic.
Therefore, you probably need fresh
interests and a great cause to live
for as much as your husband. If you
cooperate, rather than complain, you
will find that his excess enthusiasm
will tone down. Both of you will
awaken to a new sense of
responsibility for others. You, as
well as your husband, ought to think
of what you can put into life instead
of how much you can take out.
Inevitably your lives will be fuller
for doing so. You will lose the old
life to find one much better.
Perhaps your
husband will make a fair start on the
new basis, but just as things are
going beautifully he dismays you be
coming home drunk. If you are
satisfied he really wants to get over
drinking, you need not be alarmed.
Though it is infinitely better that he
have no relapse at all, as has been
true with many of our men, it is by no
means a bad thing in some cases. Your
husband will see at once that he must
redouble his spiritual activities if
he expects to survive. You need not
remind him of his spiritual deficiency
-- he will know of it. Cheer him up
and ask him how you can be still more
helpful.
The slightest
sign of fear or intolerance may lessen
your husband's chance or recovery. In
a weak moment he may take your dislike
of his high-stepping friends as one of
those insanely trivial excuses to
drink.
We never,
never try to arrange a man's life so
as to shield him from temptation. The
slightest disposition on your part to
guide his appointment or his affairs
so he will not be tempted will be
noticed. Make him feel absolutely free
to come and go as he likes. This is
important. If he gets drunk, don't
blame yourself. God has either removed
your husband's liquor problem or He
has not. If not, it had better be
found out right away. Then you and
your husband can get right down to
fundamentals. If a repetition is to be
prevented, place the problem, along
with everything else, in God's hands.
We realize
that we have been giving you much
direct advice. We may have seemed to
lecture. If that is so we are sorry,
for we ourselves, don't always care
for people who lecture us. But what we
have related is base upon experience,
some of it painful. We had to learn
these things the hard way. That is why
we are anxious that you understand,
and that you avoid these unnecessary
difficulties.
So to you out
there -- who may soon be
with us - we say
"Good luck and God bless
you."
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