Big
Book Chapter 7-------Working with
others
Practical experience shows that
nothing will so much insure immunity
from drinking as intensive work with
other alcoholics: It works when other
activities fail. This is our twelfth
suggestion: Carry this message to
other alcoholics! You can help when
no one else can. You can secure their
confidence when others fail. Remember
they are very ill.
Life will take on new meaning. To
watch people recover, to see them help
others, to watch loneliness vanish, to
see a fellowship grow up about you, to
have a host of friends-this is an
experience you must not miss. We know
you will not want to miss it.
Frequent- contact with newcomers
and with each other is the bright spot
of our lives.
Perhaps you are not acquainted with
any drinkers who want to recover. You
can easily find some by asking a few
doctors, ministers, priests or
hospitals. They will be only too glad
to assist you. Don't start out as an
evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately
a lot of prejudice exists. You will be
handicapped if you arouse it.
Ministers and doctors are competent
and you can learn much from them if
you wish, but it happens that because
of your own drinking experience you
can be uniquely useful to others
alcoholics. So cooperate; never
criticize. To be helpful is our only
aim.When you discover a prospect
for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all
you can about him. If he does not want
to stop drinking, don't waste time
trying to persuade him. You may spoil
a later opportunity. This advice is
given for his family also. They should
be patient, realizing they are dealing
with a sick person.
If there is any indication that he
wants to stop, have a good talk with
the person most interested in him -
usually his wife. Get an idea of his
behavior, his problems, his
background, the seriousness of his
condition, and his religious leanings.
You need this information to put
yourself in his place, to see how you
would like him to approach you if the
tables were turned.
Sometimes it is wise to wait till
he goes on a binge. The family may
object to this, but unless he is in a
dangerous physical condition, it is
better to risk it. Don't deal with
him when he is very drunk, unless he
is ugly and the family needs your
help. Wait for the end of the spree,
or at least for a lucid interval.
Then let his family or a friend ask
him if he wants to quit for good and
if he would go to any extreme to do
so. If he says yes, then his
attention should be drawn to you as a
person who has recovered. You should
be described to him as one of a
fellowship who, as part of their own
recovery, try to help others and who
will be glad to talk to him if he
cares to see you.
If he does not want to see you,
never force yourself upon him. Neither
should the family hysterically plead
with him to do anything, nor should
they tell him much about you. They
should wait for the end of his next
drinking bout. You might place this
book where he can see it in the
interval. Here no specific rule can be
given. The family must decide these
things. But urge them not to be
over-anxious, for that might spoil
matters.
Usually the family should not try
to tell your story. When possible,
avoid meeting a man through his
family. Approach through a doctor or
an institution is a better bet. If
your man needs hospitalization, he
should have it, but not forcibly
unless he is violent. Let the doctor,
if he will, tell him he has something
in the way of a solution.
When your man is better, the doctor
might suggest a visit from you. Though
you have talked with the family, leave
them out of the first discussion.
Under these conditions your prospect
will see he is under no pressure. He
will feel he can deal with you without
being nagged by his family. Call on
him while he is still jittery. He may
be more receptive when depressed.
See your man alone, if possible.
At first engage in general
conversation. After a. while, turn
the talk to some phase of drinking.
Tell him enough about your drinking
habits, symptoms, and experiences to
encourage- age him to speak of
himself. If he wishes to talk, let
him do so. You will thus get a better
idea of how you ought to proceed. If
he is not communicative, give him a
sketch of your drinking career up to
the time you quit. But say nothing,
for the moment, of how that was
accomplished. If he is in a serious
mood dwell on the troubles liquor has
caused you, being careful not to
moralize or lecture. If his mood is
light, tell him humorous stories of
your escapades. Get him to tell some
of his.
When he sees you know all about the
drinking game, commence to describe
yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how
baffled you were, how you finally
learned that you were sick. Give him
an account of the struggles you made
to stop. Show him the mental twist
which leads to the first drink of a
spree. We suggest you do this as we
have done it in the chapter on
alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he
will understand you at once. He will
match your mental inconsistencies with
some of his own.
If you are satisfied that he is a
real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the
hopeless feature of the malady. Show
him, from your own experience, how
the queer mental condition
surrounding that first drink prevents
normal functioning of the will power.
Don't, at this stage, refer to this
book, unless he has seen it and
wishes to discuss it. And be careful
not to brand him as an alcoholic. Let
him draw his own conclusion. If he
sticks to the idea that he can still
control his drinking, tell him that
possibly he can - if he is not too
alcoholic. But insist that if he is
severely afflicted, there may be
little chance he can recover by
himself.
Continue to speak of alcoholism as
an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about
the conditions of body and mind which
accompany it. Keep his attention
focused mainly on your personal
experience. Explain that many are
doomed who never realize their
predicament. Doctors are rightly loath
to tell alcoholic patients the whole
story unless it will serve some good
purpose.
But you may talk to him about the
hopelessness of alcoholism because
you offer a solution. You will soon
have your friend admitting he has
many, if not all, of the traits of
the alcoholic. If his own doctor is
willing to tell him that he is
alcoholic, so much the better. Even
though your protégé may not have
entirely admitted his condition, he
has become very curious to know how
you got well. Let him ask you that
question, if he will. Tell him
exactly what happened to you. Stress
the spiritual feature freely. If the
man be agnostic or atheist, make it
emphatic that he does not have to
agree with your conception of God. He
can choose any conception he likes,
provided it makes sense to him. The
main thing is that he be willing to
believe in a Power greater than
himself and that he live by spiritual
principles.
When dealing with such a person,
you had better use everyday language
to describe spiritual principles.
There is no use arousing any prejudice
he may have against certain
theological terms and conceptions
about which he may already be
confused. Don't raise such issues, no
matter what your own convictions are.
Your prospect may belong to a
religious denomination. His religious
education and training may be far
superior to yours. In that case he is
going to wonder how you can add
anything to what he already knows.
But he will be curious to learn why
his own convictions have not worked
and why yours seem to work so well.
He may be an example of the truth
that faith alone is insufficient. To
be vital, faith must be accompanied
by self sacrifice and unselfish,
constructive action. Let him see that
you are not there to instruct him in
religion. Admit that he probably
knows more about it than you do, but
call to his attention the fact that
however deep his faith and knowledge,
he could not have applied it or he
would not drink. Perhaps your story
will help him see where he has failed
to practice the very precepts he
knows so well. We represent no
particular faith or denomination. We
are dealing only with general
principles common to most
denominations.
Outline the program of action,
explaining how you made a
self-appraisal, how you straightened
out your past and why you are now
endeavoring to be helpful to him. It
is important for him to realize that
your attempt to pass this on to him
plays a vital part in you~ own
recovery. Actually, he may be helping
you more than you are helping him.
Make it plain he is under no
obligation to you, that you hope only
that he will try to help other
alcoholics when he escapes his own
difficulties. Suggest how important it
is that he place the welfare of other
people ahead of his own. Make it clear
that he is not under pressure, that he
needn't see you again if he doesn't
want to. You should not be offended if
he wants to call it off, for he has
helped you more than you have helped
him. If your talk has been sane, quiet
and full of human understanding, you
have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you
have disturbed him about the question
of alcoholism. This is all to the
good. The more hopeless he feels, the
better. He will be more likely to
follow your suggestions.
Your candidate may give reasons
why he need not follow all of the
program. He may rebel at the thought
of a drastic housecleaning which
requires discussion with other
people. Do not contradict such views.
Tell him you once felt as he does,
but you doubt whether you would have
made much progress had you not taken
action. On your first visit tell him
about the Fellowship of Alcoholics
Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend
him your copy of this book.
Unless your friend wants to talk
further about himself, do not wear out
your welcome. Give him a chance to
think it over. If you do stay, let him
steer the conversation in any
direction he likes. Sometimes a new
man is anxious to proceed at once, and
you may be tempted to let him do so.
This is sometimes a mistake. If he has
trouble later, he is likely to say you
rushed him. You will be most
successful with alcoholics if you do
not exhibit any passion for crusade or
reform. Never talk down to an
alcoholic from any moral or spiritual
hilltop; simply lay out the kit of
spiritual tools for his inspection.
Show him how they worked with you.
Offer him friendship and fellowship.
Tell him that if he wants to get well
you will do anything to help.
If he is not interested in your
solution, if he expects you to act
only as a banker for his financial
difficulties or a nurse for his
sprees, you may have to drop him
until he changes his mind. This he
may do after he gets hurt some more.
If he is sincerely interested and
wants to see you again, ask him to
read this book in the interval. After
doing that, he must decide for himself
whether he wants to go on. He should
not be pushed or prodded by you, his
wife, or his friends. If he is to find
God, the desire must come from within.
If he thinks he can do the job in
some other way, or prefers some other
spiritual approach, encourage him to
follow his own conscience. We have no
monopoly on God; we merely have an
approach that worked with us. But
point out that we alcoholics have
much in common and that you would
like, in any case, to be friendly.
Let it go at that.
Do not be discouraged if your
prospect does not respond at once.
Search out another alcoholic and try
again. You are sure to find someone
desperate enough to accept with
eagerness what you offer. We find it a
waste of time to keep chasing a man
who cannot or will not work with you.
If you leave such a person alone, he
may soon become convinced that he
cannot recover by himself. To spend
too much time on any one situation is
to deny some other alcoholic an
opportunity to live and be happy. One
of our Fellowship failed entirely with
his first half dozen prospects. He
often says that if he had continued to
work on them, he might have deprived
many others, who have since recovered,
of their chance.
Suppose now you are making your
second visit to a man. He has read
this volume and says he is prepared
to go through with the Twelve Steps
of the program of recovery. Having
had the experience yourself, you can
give him much practical advice. Let
him know you are available if he
wishes to make a decision and tell
his story, but do not insist upon it
if he prefers to consult someone
else.
He may be broke and homeless. If he
is, you might try to help him about
getting a job, or give him a little
financial assistance. But you should
not deprive your family or creditors
of money they should have. Perhaps you
will want to take the man into your
home for a few days. But be sure you
use discretion. Be certain he will be
welcomed by your family, and that he
is not trying to impose upon you for
money, connections, or shelter. Permit
that and you only harm him. You will
be making it possible for him to be
insincere. You may be aiding in his
destruction rather than his recovery.
Never avoid these
responsibilities, but be sure you are
doing the right thing if you assume
them. Helping others is the
foundation stone of your recovery. A
kindly act once in a while isn't
enough. You have to act the Good
Samaritan every day, if need be. It
may mean the loss of many nights'
sleep, great interference with your
pleasures, interruptions to your
business. It may mean sharing your
money and your home, counseling
frantic wives and relatives,
innumerable trips to police courts,
sanitariums, hospitals, jails and
asylums. Your telephone may jangle at
any time of the day or night. Your
wife may sometimes say she is
neglected. A drunk may smash the
furniture in your home, or burn a
mattress. You may have to fight with
him if he is violent. Sometimes you
will have to call a doctor and
administer sedatives under his
direction. Another time you may have
to send for the police or an
ambulance. Occasionally you will have
to meet such conditions.
We seldom allow an alcoholic to
live in our homes for long at a time.
It is not good for him, and it
sometimes creates serious
complications in a family.
Though an alcoholic does not
respond, there is no reason why you
should neglect his family. You should
continue to be friendly to them. The
family should be offered your way of
life. Should they accept and practice
spiritual principles, there is a much
better chance that the head of the
family will recover. And even though
he continues to drink, the family
will find life more bearable.
For the type of alcoholic who is
able and willing to get well, little
charity, in the ordinary sense of the
word, is needed or wanted. The men who
cry for money and shelter before
conquering alcohol, are on the wrong
track. Yet we do go to great extremes
to provide each other with these very
things, when such action is warranted.
This may seem inconsistent, but we
think it is not.
It is not the matter of giving
that is in question, but when and how
to give. That often makes the
difference between failure and
success. The minute we put our work
on a service plane, the alcoholic
commences to rely upon our assistance
rather than upon God. He clamors for
this or that, claiming he cannot
master alcohol until his material
needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some
of us have taken very hard knocks to
learn this truth: Job or no job -
wife or no wife - we simply do not
stop drinking so long as we place
dependence upon other people ahead of
dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the
consciousness of every man that he can
get well regardless of anyone. The
only condition is that he trust in God
and clean house.
Now, the domestic problem: There
may be divorce, separation, or just
strained relations. When your
prospect has made such reparation as
he can to his family, and has
thoroughly explained to them the new
principles by which he is living, he
should proceed to put those
principles into action at home. That
is, if he is lucky enough to have a
home. Though his family be at fault
many respects, he should not be
concerned about that. He should
concentrate on his own spiritual
demonstration. Argument and fault
finding are to be avoided like the
plague. In many homes this is a
difficult thing to do, but it must be
done if any results are to be
expected. If persisted in for a few
months, the effect on a man's family
is sure to be great. The most
incompatible people discover they
have a basis upon which they can
meet. Little by little the family may
see their own defects and admit them.
These can then be discussed in an
atmosphere of helpfulness and
friendliness.
After they have seen tangible
results, the family will perhaps want
to go along. These things will come to
pass naturally and in good time
provided, however, the alcoholic
continues to demonstrate that he can
be sober, considerate, and helpful,
regardless of what anyone says or
does. Of course, we all fall much
below this standard many times. But we
must try to repair the damage
immediately lest we pay the penalty by
a spree.
If there be divorce or separation,
there should be no undue haste for
the couple to get together. The man
should be sure of his recovery. The
wife should fully understand his new
way of life. If their old
relationship is to be resumed it must
be on a better basis, since the
former did not work. This means a new
attitude and spirit all around.
Sometimes it is to the best interests
of all concerned that a couple remain
apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid
down. Let the alcoholic continue his
program day by day. When the time for
living together has come, it will be
apparent to both parties.
Let no alcoholic say he cannot
recover unless he has his family back.
This just isn't so. In some cases the
wife will never come back for one
reason or another. Remind the prospect
that his recovery is not dependent
upon people. It is dependent upon his
relationship with God. We have seen
men get well whose families have not
returned at all. We have seen others
slip when the family came back too
soon.
Both you and the new man must walk
day by day in the path of spiritual
progress. If you persist, remarkable
things will happen. When we look
back, we realize that the things
which came to us when we put
ourselves in God's hands were better
than anything we could have planned.
Follow the dictates of a Higher Power
and you will presently live in a new
and wonderful world, no matter what
your present circumstances!
When working with a man and his
family, you should take care not to
participate in their quarrels. You may
spoil your chance of being helpful if
you do. But urge upon a man's family
that he has been a very sick person
and should be treated accordingly. You
should warn against arousing
resentment or jealousy. You should
point out that his defects of
character are not going to disappear
over night. Show them that he has
entered upon a period of growth. Ask
them to remember, when they are
impatient, the blessed fact of his
sobriety.
If you have been successful in
solving your own domestic problems,
tell the newcomer's family how that
was accomplished. In this way you can
set them on the right track without
becoming critical of them. The story
of how you and your wife settled your
difficulties is worth any amount of
criticism.
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we
can do all sorts of things alcoholics
are not supposed to do. People have
said we must not go where liquor is
served; we must not have it in our
homes; we must shun friends who drink;
we must avoid moving pictures which
show drinking scenes; we must not go
into bars; our friends must hide their
bottles if we go to their houses; we
mustn't think or be reminded about
alcohol at all. Our experience shows
that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every
day. An alcoholic who cannot meet
them, still has an alcoholic mind;
there is something the matter with
his spiritual status. His only chance
for sobriety would be some place like
the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there
an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle
of scotch and ruin everything! Ask
any woman who has sent her husband to
distant places on the theory he would
escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of
combating alcoholism which proposes to
shield the sick man from temptation is
doomed to failure. If the alcoholic
tries to shield himself he may succeed
for a time, but he usually winds up
with a bigger explosion than ever. We
have tried these methods. These
attempts to do the impossible have
always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a
place where there is drinking, if we
have a legitimate reason for being
there. That includes bars,
nightclubs, dances, receptions,
weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee
parties. To a person who has had
experience with an alcoholic, this
may seem like tempting Providence,
but it isn't. You will note that we
made an important qualification.
Therefore, ask yourself on each
occasion, "Have I any good
social, business, or personal reason
for going to this place? Or am I
expecting to steal a little vicarious
pleasure from the atmosphere of such
places?" If you answer these
questions satisfactorily, you need
have no apprehension. Go or stay
away, whichever seems best. But be
sure you are on solid spiritual
ground before you start and that your
motive in going is thoroughly good.
Do not think of what you will get out
of the occasion. Think of what you
can bring to it. But if you are
shaky, you had better work with
another alcoholic instead!
Why sit with a long face in places
where there is drinking, sighing about
the good old days. If it is a happy
occasion, try to increase the pleasure
of those there; if a business
occasion, go and attend to your
business enthusiastically. If you are
with a person who wants to eat in a
bar, by all means go along. Let your
friends know they are not to change
their habits on your account. At a
proper time and place explain to all
your friends why alcohol disagrees
with you. If you do this thoroughly,
few people will ask you to drink.
While you were drinking, you were
withdrawing from life little by
little. Now you are getting back into
the social life of this world. Don't
start to withdraw again just because
your friends drink liquor.
Your job now is to be at the place
where you may be of maximum
helpfulness to others, so never
hesitate to go anywhere if you can be
helpful. You should not hesitate to
visit the most sordid spot on earth
on such an errand. Keep on the firing
line of life with these motives and
God will keep you unharmed.
Many of us keep liquor in our
homes. We often need it to carry green
recruits through a severe hangover.
Some of us still serve it to our
friends provided they are not
alcoholic. But some of us think we
should not serve liquor to anyone. We
never argue this question. We feel
that each family, in the light of
their own circumstances, ought to
decide for themselves.
We are careful never to show
intolerance or hatred of drinking as
an institution. Experience shows that
such an attitude is not helpful to
anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for
this spirit among us and is immensely
relieved when he finds we are not
witch-burners. A spirit of
intolerance might repel alcoholics
whose lives could have been saved,
had it not been for such stupidity.
We would not even do the cause of
temperate drinking any good, for not
one drinker in a thousand likes to be
told anything about alcohol by one
who hates it.
Some day we hope that Alcoholics
Anonymous will help the public to a
better realization of the gravity of
the alcoholic problem, but we shall be
of little use if our attitude is one
of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers
will not stand for it.
After all, our problems were of
our own making. Bottles were only a
symbol. Besides, we have stopped
fighting anybody or anything. We have
to!
~~Page 89, B.B.
Alcoholics Anonymous~~
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